Complaint Dept.

This is an ongoing list from our over 60 commish. All are invited to participate in this open crabfest. The following questions have been overheard in various places.
Names are withheld to protect the guilty.

Question:  The over 50 league playoffs are seeded according to won-lost records, why isn't the over 60 league done the same way?  Code Blue and Grumpies should not meet until the finals.
Answer:  The over 50 league has no divisions as the over 60 league does, so the 60's playoffs have a defined structure agreed upon by the majority of managers. Defined structures are also used for NFL, NBA, MLB playoffs, so in all these leagues if the two best teams happen to be in the same division, they will have to meet before the playoff finals.  There is no guarantee that either Code Blue or Grumpies are the best 2 teams anyway, thus far neither team has ever won the 60+ playoffs, and for most of the last several seasons, the champion team has come from the other division.

Question:  Is there a liability issue with the over 60 league playing on #5 grassy field?
Answer:  No, the waiver form clarifies that.  If you have not read it, please do so.

Question:  Our team may refuse to play on a grassy field, is it OK to forfeit those games?
Answer:  Don't use outfielders on any of our fields, there's grass out there, and hope your first playoff game is not scheduled for the grassy field or you might forfeit that too.

Question:  Our runner was called out for running into the 3rd baseman, how is he supposed to know which side of the base to run to if his back is to the play?
Answer:  I guess your 3rd base coach is only out there for eye candy, right?

Question: Is it true you are no longer commissioner?
Answer: I am still commish for 60+, but not for 50+, also I am still the webmeister. Over 50 commish is now Joe Meister (Scandal team). Give him the same respect you gave me. No wait, that might be bad for him.

Question: If a rule is being abused, why can't we just throw that rule out?
Answer: Any rule can be abused, so I guess that means we should throw out all the rules, right? Either that or just throw out the abusers instead.

Question: If a guy can play the outfield, why does he need a courtesy runner?
Answer: He does not really need one, but apparently his team prefers to have a faster runner on the bases.

Question: What is the difference between the advantage of using our fastest runner as a courtesy runner every inning, or the advantage of another team having a good power hitter?
Answer: The power hitter cannot bat every inning.

Question: Last year our Olympic team lost its first game. Why were we not guaranteed two games?
Answer: There were 4 teams, one of which canceled the morning of the event. So you did have 2 games, one of which was a forfeit victory. Congrats on that.

Question: Why are umps asking us to remove harmless jewelry?
Answer: Our Board is going to fix that. In the meantime, as a form of protest, have your entire team dress up like Mr. T.

Question: Why do we need a Board? Why not just let the managers make all decisions?
Answer: First of all who breaks a tie in the managers vote? Secondly, this league was founded on certain principles which the Board is chartered to uphold. We want to be able to make our own rules to minimize the chance of injuries, hence the no slide no contact rule. We also want to make sure everyone has a chance to play, hence the continuous batting order rule. If you want to be ultra competitive, go join a younger league.

Question: How should we handle hotheads who get out of hand?
Answer: It is hard to legislate common sense. We are too old for this. We just want to have fun and play ball. The proper way to handle an incident would be for both managers to tell everyone to get in the dugout, meet with the umpire, and pull out the rules, which read that taunting, vulgarity, and other derogatory or inflammatory remarks are not allowed. After one warning, the next offense is automatic ejection, zero tolerance. Those who do not like this can find some other league to play in.

Question: Does it take a lot of smarts to manage to handle all the B.S. that happened last year?
Answer: No, but I did stay at a holiday inn last week.

Question: Who makes the decisions, you or The Board?
Answer: If you agree with the decision, it was me. If you disagree, it was The Board. Talk to them if you don't like it.

Question: Being an ump is a hard job. On every close play either one side or the other is going to complain. I hate complaints. Do you have any concerns about complainers?
Answer: Yes, they can vote and they can breed.

Question: Why can't we wear gloves in the field on cold days?
Answer: I do not want to see any Michael Jackson impersonators.

Question: I think you are doing a lousy job.
Answer: Take a look at this (!), you have just been e-mooned.

Question: The ump called our catcher an axxhole, do you think that was right?
Answer: Yes, that was probably the first right call he made all night.

Question: We lost because the ump sucked. You saw the game, what do you think?
Answer: What I saw was your team sucked more than the ump.

Question: On windy days it is impossible to pitch a strike. Why can't we use a bigger mat or include the plate as part of the strike zone?
Answer: Just accept the fact that Wisconsin sucks and Indiana blows and Chicago is caught in between.

Question: I cannot get my teammates to turn in copies of their driver's licenses, what should I do?
Answer: Tell them to save up their money and buy a dime, take it to the local library, it is only a few blocks away from the field, put the dime in the copy machine, and while you are there, pick up a book, you might learn something.

Question: Why are you not willing to discuss considering legalizing sliding? I have tried to talk to you about this, what else can I do?
Answer: You can check out my buns as I walk in the other direction.

Question: Can you try to be a little more professional and dignified at your meetings? You are losing your class.
Answer: I am not losing class because I never had any in the first place. Is there a rule that I must suck a lemon to obtain the proper facial expression to conduct these meetings? I like to get right to the point. People at a fox hunt would say "Tally Ho the fox", but I prefer to say "Huh? What the hell does that mean? Let's just get the little S.O.B."

Question: People always question the rules. They do not seem to understand why our rules must be different than regular softball rules. How do we deal with such ignorance and apathy?
Answer: Within the context of ignorance and apathy, I don't know and I don't care.

Question: Do you think we will ever use ASA rules instead of our own? Answer: I have 3 things to say about that, no, hell no, and finally no.

Question: How did an idiot like you ever get to be Commissioner?
Answer: Three reasons, first, nobody else wanted the job, and second, many people have stated you have to be an idiot to take this job, therefore your own words have just validated that I am eminently qualified. And third, I barely passed the interview process, which consisted of one question, which was "Do you have a pulse?"

Question: Why can't you make a schedule that does not allow Byes?
Answer: I am not a math major, but with an odd number of teams, somebody either must have a bye or must play with themselves and go blind.

Question: Based on some of your remarks, I have to ask, do you suffer from insanity or are you just conceited?
Answer: I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. And it is not possible for me to be conceited because conceit would be an imperfection ;-)

Question: You think you know everything, so let me give you a tough question. What is the meaning of life?
Answer: I don’t know everything, but I know this much, and actually that is not such a tough question. A great part of the meaning of life is to glorify your Creator by giving thanks for what you have, to treat others with respect, to make the world a better place using whatever talents you are given, to brighten someone else’s day, and if you are not sure how to do that, just try to make people laugh, because laughter is the best medicine for whatever ails us. Now let me give you a tough question – if I were to tell you my vacuum cleaner sucks, is that good or bad? And if you get it wrong, you get 7 years bad luck.