Complaint Dept.

This is an ongoing list. All are invited to participate in this open crabfest. The following questions have been overheard in various places.
Names are withheld to protect the guilty.

Question: You say if we have 16 teams then we would only have 15 games, shouldn't there be 16 games?
Answer: Only if you play against yourself, and if you do that you might go blind.

Question: There was a fight during the playoffs. What are you planning to do about this? How should these situations be handled?
Answer: It is hard to legislate common sense. We are too old for this. We just want to have fun and play ball. The proper way to handle an incident would be for both managers to tell everyone to get in the dugout, meet with the umpire, and pull out the rules, which read that taunting, vulgarity, and other derogatory or inflammatory remarks are not allowed. After one warning, the next offense is automatic ejection, zero tolerance. Those who do not like this can find some other league to play in.

Question: What would you do if you got punched?
Answer: Probably bleed all over you. Then according to NBA rules you would have to leave the game and go get tested for HIV. Are you sure you want to go thru all that?

Question: The fields were too powdery last week, how could you allow this?
Answer: I got carried away with my compact.

Question: Does it take a lot of smarts to manage to handle all the B.S. that happened this year?
Answer: No, but I did stay at a holiday inn last week.

Question: Who makes the decisions, you or The Board?
Answer: If you agree with the decision, it was me. If you disagree, it was The Board. Talk to them if you don't like it.

Question: Being an ump is a hard job. On every close play either one side or the other is going to complain. I hate complaints. Do you have any concerns about complainers?
Answer: Yes, they can vote and they can breed.

Question: Why can't we wear gloves in the field on cold days?
Answer: I do not want to see any Michael Jackson impersonators.

Question: I think you are doing a lousy job.
Answer: Take a look at this (!), you have just been e-mooned.

Question: The ump called our catcher an axxhole, do you think that was right?
Answer: Yes, that was probably the first right call he made all night.

Question: We lost because the ump sucked. You saw the game, what do you think?
Answer: I think your team sucked more than the ump.

Question: How come I saw pitchers stepping off the rubber sideways, at the managers meeting it was emphatically stated only backward is allowed?
Answer: There was a dispute and I was asked to explain this safety rule to the umpire. Because the wording of the rule did not specify DIRECTLY backward, the ump felt that a little bit backward and a little bit to the side was not against the rules, even though the spirit of the rule was only for safety, therefore meaning backwards only, not sideways which does not help safety. I tried to explain proper interpretation to the umpire, but the game continued anyway with pitchers still jumping to the side. This gave da commish a complex that nobody listens, so I went afterward to see a shrink. While on da couch, da shrink asked what the problem was. I said nobody listens to me. Da shrink then yells toward da lobby "NEXT".

Question: Why did you have to send out revised rules with nitpicky explanations? Can't you just keep them simple and let the ump make the call?
Answer: I do not like disputes. Any rule that results in misinterpretations and disputes needs to be revised for clarification. Using the above pitching rule as an example, I had to explain why backwards does not mean sideways, and step does not mean jump. I would prefer the umps calls be consistent rather than varying according to individual umps interpretations.

Question: Why are some illegal pitches dead balls and some are live balls? Any illegal pitch should be treated the same.
Answer: Cheating is a dead ball. The only illegal pitch that is a live ball is one that does not fall into the 6-12 foot arc rule, which is not cheating. Other types of illegal pitches are clear rules violations like hesitations and quick pitches without starting with both feet on the rubber. Those are attempts to cheat and therefore should be dead balls. If you do not agree, feel free to bring this up at the next manager's meeting for discussion.

Question: On windy days it is impossible to pitch a strike. Why can't we use a bigger mat or include the plate as part of the strike zone?
Answer: Just cope with the fact that Wisconsin sucks and Indiana blows and Chicago is caught in between.

Question: I cannot get my teammates to turn in copies of their driver's licenses, what should I do?
Answer: Tell them to save up their money and buy a dime, take it to the local library, it is only a few blocks away from the field, put the dime in the copy machine, and while you are there, pick up a book, you might learn something.

Question: Why are you not willing to discuss considering legalizing sliding? I have tried to talk to you about this, what else can I do?
Answer: You can check out my buns as I walk in the other direction.

Question: Can you try to be a little more professional and dignified at your meetings? You are losing your class.
Answer: I am not losing class because I never had any in the first place. Is there a rule that I must suck a lemon to obtain the proper facial expression to conduct these meetings? I like to get right to the point. People at a fox hunt would say "Tally Ho the fox", but I prefer to say "Huh? What the hell does that mean? Let's just get the little S.O.B."

Question: People always question the rules. They do not seem to understand why our rules must be different than regular softball rules. How do we deal with such ignorance and apathy?
Answer: Within the context of ignorance and apathy, I don't know and I don't care.

Question: If we have more players than the other team, can we share batting spots in the lineup? Answer: I have 3 things to say about that, no, hell no, and finally no.

Question: How did an idiot like you ever get to be Commissioner?
Answer: Three reasons, first, nobody else wanted the job, and second, many people have stated you have to be an idiot to take this job, therefore your own words have just validated that I am eminently qualified. And third, I barely passed the interview process, which consisted of one question, which was "Do you have a pulse?"

Question: Why can't you make a schedule that does not allow Byes or doubleheaders, and does not allow 9pm games, neither of which are acceptable?
Answer: I am not a math major, but with 13 teams (an odd number), somebody either must have a bye or must play at 9pm (we only have 3 fields) against another team who then would have to play a second game that night. So to answer your question, I guess I am just not smart enough to figure that one out.

Question: Why are there so many different versions of the schedule flying around?
Answer: See the above question, we started with 14 teams and one team dropped out after schedules were distributed, and we also had two rainouts, blondie.

Question: Why do you call this a website when technically it is only a blog?
Answer: Technically, website sounds cooler. Blog sounds like you are gagging.

Question: Aren't you are an arrogant jerk for announcing the lady fans voted you second best looking player on your team?
Answer: Not exactly, everyone else on the team tied for first. I have never had much luck with the ladies. One time I went into a massage parlor with a hand full of C-notes, I came out broke and all I got was a massage.

Question: Based on some of your remarks, I have to ask, do you suffer from insanity or are you just conceited?
Answer: I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. And it is not possible for me to be conceited because conceit would be an imperfection ;-)

Question: You think you know everything, so let me give you a tough question. What is the meaning of life?
Answer: I don’t know everything, but I know this much, and actually that is not such a tough question. A great part of the meaning of life is to glorify your Creator by giving thanks for what you have, to treat others with respect, to make the world a better place using whatever talents you are given, to brighten someone else’s day, and if you are not sure how to do that, just try to make people laugh, because laughter is the best medicine for whatever ails us. Now let me give you a tough question – if I were to tell you my vacuum cleaner sucks, is that good or bad? And if you get it wrong, you get 7 years bad luck.